Urban girl's guide to travel

Let me bring you up to speed- it's 2013. I'm in Thailand.

And now, a collection of my wisdom. TBC, I'm sure.

1. Never layover in Russia.
This process started in December when we were told, "ya no problem, you can get a double entry visa. Well, you filled out the application completely wrong but just change this, this and this and bring us $250 in cash and its yours. Ohhh, you came back after the new year when we changed all the rules? Sorry, only three year multiple entry or single entry for you now. Multiple? Okay, that'll require an interview with the consulate, insurance that's applicable in Russia and pretty much all your money. What's that? You leave in 2 weeks? The process takes 10 business days and absolutely cannot be expedited. Don't cry! You can still get a single, which means you can leave the airport on one of your 12+ hour layovers. Unless of course you have to change terminals, then you might be required to stamp your passport. Maybe you could get an escort from your airline? Yay! You finally did it- congratulations! Let me reward you with $21 lattes in the Moscow airport. Enjoy!"

2. Refuse the first offer.
With my white skin and the iPad under my arm, I'm a target. But after years of getting ripped off, I will never again accept the incredibly inflated price that initially comes out of any store clerk, roadside beer kid, or tuk tuk driver's mouth. It's a game. And it's all negotiable. Walk away if you have to. They will for sure come running after you with a better deal.

3. Re: traveling to places in high altitudes...
Don't smoke, don't run, don't open your foundation if its expensive because you will lose half the tube.

4. We Americans have sensitive stomachs.
We're spoiled with all our washed fruit and filtered water and we're babies because of it. Expect to throw up, to not be able to poop for days or to poop too much. Things to avoid (trust me, I've consumed them all) - tap water, roadside burgers with over-easy eggs on top, airport caviar, actually it doesn't really matter, you'll probably run into one of the three conditions above unless you pack all your own baby food.

5. Learn the language.
The Thai, Italian, Spanish, Russian, German, etc. etc. etc. way to say hello, thank you, excuse me and beer will get you very, very far.

6. Be prepared for third-world toilets.
Please don't expect the all the comforts of home. You'll squat, pay for toilet paper and flush with a bucket. Bring wipes and hand sanitizer. You're welcome.

7. The rest of the world doesn't care if you die.
You will not be asked if you've ever rock climbed before, how far you'll be taking that kayak you just rented or if you even want that spliff just rolled for you by the bartender.
You will not be told you should wear shoes for this hike, that you can't hang off an edge 10 stories up and that this path you're hiking barefoot will dead end on a cliff face in the middle of a jungle.

8. E-mail your mom.

9. When it rains, look for a hotel with wifi and a nice bartender. Preferably also a pool table and playing cards.

10. Take a tour.
Don't always try to have the most unique, undiscovered life experience all by yourself. Sometimes you're better off to have the work done for you. Most recently, my tour guide has let me jump off the top of his boat, got me a better deal on island beer, let me play with fire, cooked me a fish, showed me a beach I never would have known about and explained to me all the details of both bamboo tattoos and the life of ladyboys.